The Modern Leader
"You need to work on your communication."
"You're coming across as aggressive."
"People are having a hard time working with you."
Sounds like feedback. But it isn't.
It's interpretation. It's frustration. It's a last-ditch attempt to say something when you've already let the problem go on too long.
Real feedback is behavioral. Specific. Actionable. And most managers skip it until they can't anymore.
Why we get stuck
Giving feedback doesn't just feel hard. It feels risky.
- You don't want to damage the relationship.
- You're not sure how they'll react.
- You're worried you're reading into things.
- You've tried before and it didn't go well.
- You don't want someone to retaliate.
So you wait. You hope the behavior changes on its own. You vent to a peer. You let it slide again.
And then something happens---an outburst in a meeting, a passive-aggressive comment, a Slack message that's just a little too sharp---and now you have to say something.
But because you've waited, it's personal. It's ambiguous. It's a dump instead of a discussion.
If you want it to land, you need three things:
- Specificity. What exactly did they do or say? Not how it made you feel. Not how others perceived it. Just the behavior itself.
- Recency. Feedback works best when it's given close to the moment. If you're reaching back a month, it'll feel like a gotcha.
- Neutrality. Describe what happened without assigning motive. ("You interrupted twice" vs. "You tried to shut them down.")
What this sounds like
Let's say someone cuts off a teammate in standup.
Instead of:
You've been really dismissive lately.
Try:
In this morning's standup, when Julia brought up a blocker, you jumped in with a solution before she finished. I noticed she didn't speak again for the rest of the meeting. I want to talk about how we're creating space for everyone to share.
You're not blaming. You're not over-explaining. You're creating a moment of reflection.
Why it matters
Feedback isn't about being right. It's about being clear.
When you consistently give direct, thoughtful feedback:
- You build psychological safety---not by avoiding discomfort, but by showing you won't blindside people
- You strengthen relationships by being honest and respectful
- You shift from manager-as-monitor to manager-as-mirror
And most importantly, you stop the cycle of "Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?"
Next week: The "No" Conversation---how to protect your team's time and priorities without sounding like the bad guy.