How to say “not yet” without losing your best people

A promotion conversation doesn’t start when someone asks for it. It starts long before that—in the way you talk about growth, give feedback, and set expectations along the way.

Still, no matter how proactive you are, there’s a moment that catches almost every manager off guard:

An engineer sits down in your 1:1 and says, “I want to talk about what it would take to get promoted.”

And you realize... this conversation might go differently than they’re expecting. Maybe they’ve been doing solid work. Maybe they’ve even taken on more responsibility. But they’re not quite ready for the next step—and now you have to say that out loud.

That’s when this conversation becomes high-stakes.

Career conversations are high-stakes - not because they’re dramatic, but because they’re deeply personal.

You’re not just talking about titles or timelines. You’re talking about how someone sees themselves and whether you see them the same way.

That gap, real or perceived, can erode trust fast.

If you’re vague, they’ll fill in the blanks.
If you focus only on what’s missing, it can feel like a shutdown.
If you wait too long to have the conversation, they’ve already made assumptions.

And when someone thinks they’re on track and you tell them they’re not, it’s not just a mismatch in expectations. It’s a leadership moment. How you handle it shapes their motivation, their growth, and their decision to stay. That’s why this can’t be a performance review bullet point. It has to be a conversation with structure, clarity, and care.

Here’s how I approach it

I use the GROW model to keep the conversation focused and collaborative:

• Goal – What is the person aiming for? Is it a title, a scope, a type of work? Don’t assume—ask.
• Reality – Where are they right now, compared to the expectations for that next level?
• Options – What are the potential paths forward? Are there multiple ways to demonstrate readiness?
• Will – What are they motivated to work on next? What support do they need from you?

This turns “you’re not ready” into:

“Let’s get clear on what readiness looks like, and map a path to get there.”

You’re not assessing them. You’re building with them.

What this sounds like

“I’m glad you brought this up—growth conversations are one of my favorite parts of the job. Let’s start with where you want to go. What does the next step look like for you?”

Let them define their goal. Then, use that to anchor the rest of the conversation:

“Thanks for sharing that. Based on where you’re aiming, here’s how we define that level at our company: things like driving technical strategy, mentoring consistently, and having strong cross-functional influence.”

“Right now, I see you making great progress in technical execution and ownership, and I’ve seen you step up more in the past two sprints. To keep building toward senior, I’d love to see you lean more into mentoring and visibility across teams. That’s a key signal we look for.”

“Let’s talk through what that could look like in practice and figure out a few concrete ways to start building toward it.”

This approach clarifies expectations, acknowledges strengths, and co-creates the next step—without vague encouragement or deflating critiques.

A few key reminders

• Don’t compare them to someone else. Compare them to the role.

• Don’t just say “keep doing what you’re doing.” Name the behaviors you want to see more of—and why they matter.

• Don’t treat this as a one-time checkpoint. Follow up. Document the plan. Build momentum together.

This is one of the trickiest conversations to get right—because people tie so much of their identity to growth. But when you approach it with clarity, empathy, and structure, it doesn’t have to feel like a rejection. It becomes something much more powerful: a moment of alignment, a path forward, and a reason to stay.