Breaking down the 1:1

It should come as no surprise to anyone these days that 1:1s between a manager and their direct reports are important (and there’s a mountain of evidence that suggests this as well), and yet so many companies and managers get them wrong. As a manager, your 1:1s should be dedicated space on your calendar with each direct report to allow for the necessary time and space to build trust, allow for an easy flow of ideas, and wear your mentor and coach hats.

This seems like a silly way to open this post, but the more I speak with engineering managers, the more I’ve noticed two major patterns when it comes to 1:1s:

• 1:1s get canceled because one of the two attendees is “too busy” (or they don’t know what to talk about)
• 1:1s turn into nothing more than project updates, something you can usually receive asynchronously

This often happens because the importance and true purpose of 1:1s are not ingrained in your team, perhaps because as a manager you were never taught the importance.

The overarching purpose of a 1:1 is to connect on a deeper level with each member of your team – at its core, it’s a method of focused relationship building.

What does this look like in practice?

• From a managerial standpoint, this time is ideal to identify issues or blockers and clear the path for your direct reports.
• From a mentorship and coaching standpoints, your dedicated 1:1 time is opportune for career mapping and goal planning.
• From a strategic standpoint, your direct reports can use this time to share ideas for future work and roadmap items, including how they align with their previously identified personal career goals.

The rest of this post will break down how to structure your 1:1s, how to conduct your first 1:1 with a new direct report, and finally wraps up with an easy list of dos and don’ts that you can begin applying today.

Structuring your 1:1s

The level of structure you apply to your 1:1s will most likely depend on how each individual on your team prefers to operate, as well as cultural differences within your team’s makeup. I’ve seen 1:1s with absolutely no agenda work just fine for some, while others require a well-defined structure from beginning to end.

In The Effective Manager, Mark Horstman recommends a highly structured format to your 1:1s - 10 minutes for your direct, 10 minutes for you, and (occasionally) 10 minutes to discuss the future. The direct report would most likely focus on ongoing work, ask for direction on projects or tasks, and remind you of any items they still need from you. As the manager, you’d use your time to provide updates for ongoing work, provide guidance on new and future work, unblock any issues with current work, and ask for ideas on new work. Most of the time you won’t need to talk about the future in your 1:1s, as you will likely have dedicated time for this in a more structured format. The real focus here is on “you first, me second” - make sure your team knows they guide this conversation.

Now, to be honest, I don’t think you necessarily have to be that structured in your timing - a key piece for 1:1s to be successful is to be flexible. Not with whether or not you conduct the 1:1 (please try not to cancel them if you can avoid it, or reschedule if the time just isn’t going to work), but how you use your time.

My favorite format is via a joint agenda. Share a document with each direct report. I’ve used Notion for this several times - you can also just use a Google doc or if you’re using a platform such as Lattice, they often have a built-in agenda format you can use. This document will be continuously updated each time you meet for a 1:1.

Your agenda should contain the following items:

• A bulleted list of topics the direct would like to discuss
• A bulleted list of topics the manager would like to discuss
• A section for action items for either the manager or direct to take
• A section for shared notes to jot down any ideas or thoughts shared during your 1:1

This agenda is simple enough, but only works if both parties actively keep items updated. That means making sure your directs are thinking of topics ahead of time (and so are you), and that you’re both following up on action items that have been assigned to you.

Repeat this format every time you meet.

I’d recommend playing around with these different methodologies and see which one works best for you and your team. Ask for feedback from your team as well - these meetings are for them, so ask them what’s working and what’s not!

Quarterly check-ins

I’m not a fan of the traditional annual performance review format. Performance reviews are often stressful and, when tied to compensation, result in higher tensions and more feelings of defensiveness from either party. (Plus what manager actually enjoys giving a structured performance review?)

If your company requires formal annual performance reviews, you can make the process infinitely easier on yourself by checking in quarterly with each direct report to align on progress towards personal and career goals. I’ve toyed with a number of formats for my quarterly check-ins and my current go-to format is as follows:

• Create a shared document that contains two sections: one for your direct report to complete, and one for you to complete. Your ability to complete your part is contingent on your direct to complete theirs, so make it as easy as possible to complete.
• Ask your direct report to think about what they want to be doing 1 year from now. Focus less on the job title or role and more on specific skills. Do they want to get more experience in product management? Work towards becoming an EM? Improve upon their React skills or learn a new technology? Provide this framing for your directs to complete, letting them know that they can take this in whichever direction they choose. Make sure they outline why they want to learn these things as well - instead of just having a list of skills, dig deeper into the overarching goals to learn these skills.
• Once your direct has completed this section, you should then take the list of skills they listed they’d like to learn, plus think of skills you think they would benefit from, and pop them into a chart that can be tracked. The chart should contain the following columns:
  • Skill: What skill wants to be built or learned?
  • Assessment of current level: What gaps currently exist in this direct’s experience with this skill?
  • Suggestion of opportunities to build this skill: How can the direct build this skill?
  • Direct report comments: This is an empty space for your direct to respond - “this sounds good” or “I’d rather do X” or “I think the assessment is incorrect”

I used to ask about 3-year goals here too, but most people (including myself) don’t know what they want to make for dinner next weekend, so they probably won’t know what they want to be doing for work 3 years from now either.

The goal of this structure is to provide a basis for you and your directs to align on goal setting over the next quarter and next year. This should be a living, breathing document that gets updated every quarter. The goals your direct have or your assessment of their career growth needs will likely change with time, so this document should prove to be that guide.

Ask your directs to fill this out first, and give them a week to do it. It’s important that they take time to think about their goals and skills they’d like to build without you present - but they also do need to complete this, so make sure you make it easy to complete and time block it so your directs don’t have to spend too much time on it. The more work this requires, the less likely it will actually be done by your assigned deadline.

Conducting your first 1:1 with a new team member

I want to give this section its own attention because the way you approach 1:1s with a new team member (or a new team) is a bit different from your regular ongoing interactions with the rest of your team. Why? You haven’t established trust yet! Even if you get promoted from an IC to a manager and you already know your team having previously communicated with them from a peer standpoint, they don’t know you when you wear your manager hat. Most importantly, the power dynamic changes when you step into the Engineering Manager role, and you need to rebuild trust from a new angle.

I personally love the questions Lara Hogan suggests for a first 1:1, so I’m not going to just copy down what she said and instead explain how I approach my introductory 1:1s.

• If this team is completely brand new to you, get to know them first. Ask them how long they’ve been with the company, what they like and don’t like about their role, and briefly touch on some of their career goals. I don’t like going too deep here because again, this time is for the direct to lead.
• If you’re taking over an existing team and there has been some change in leadership, it’s important to address this early on. How are they dealing with the change? Do they have any concerns about the current state or future? You don’t need to have all of the answers here - write down their concerns and discuss with your manager if you need further guidance.
• Establish the ground rules for your 1:1s. I usually explain anything that you discuss with me during our 1:1s is going to be kept between us, and if there is anything that I do need to discuss externally (perhaps with my manager), I will ask for your permission to share. For everything else, anything you need to share with someone outside of your org can be generalized without being able to draw back to an individual.
• When it comes to feedback, every direct is going to have their personal preference. Some prefer just-in-time feedback while others need more time to prepare mentally to receive feedback. Some prefer written feedback, others prefer spoken feedback. Be sure to ask how they prefer to receive feedback - both positive and negative. (Some people hate to be put in the spotlight even for successes - be aware of this before sharing to a broader group!)
• If you’re taking over a new team, it’s a good time to begin discussing goals. The last time I took over a team, I asked two primary questions: (1) what were you initially hired to do (these are often specialized roles), and (2) what are you doing now. This often leads to deeper discussion (e.g. do you enjoy what you’re doing?) and you can dig into where they want to be 3 months, 6 months, and 1 year down the road.
• Lastly, I completely agree with Lara’s final question - how do you like to treat yourself? This is a fun way to get to know someone on a more personal level AND provides a little bit of insight into what they may enjoy if you wanted to congratulate or thank someone in a personal manner.

Dos and Don’ts of 1:1s

This section summarizes the above and gives you a more actionable list of things you can begin doing today as an engineering leader.

Do:

• Come prepared. “I guess we don’t have anything to talk about so we can cancel” is the worst reason to cancel.

• Do your best to keep a regular schedule for each 1:1. Unless someone is on vacation or out of office, it’s best to not cancel your 1:1s; the best case scenario is to reschedule.

• Have empathy. Understand that your direct reports may be going through more than what you’re aware of that can be impacting their work, and it’s their decision to share with you.

• Follow up on any action items. If you want to build trust – especially early on in the manager-direct relationship – make sure you’re following through on asks. Don’t:

• Cancel. Seriously. Please.

• Give critical performance guidance. Unless explicitly asked (and established in an earlier 1:1 that this is where they prefer to receive feedback), save (especially critical) performance guidance for a dedicated time with enough heads-up to the direct report. Positive feedback, on the other hand, is encouraged!

• Overly structure your time together. Your agenda acts as a guide – if you diverge from it, that’s completely fine. If you need more time, also fine. But don’t disrupt a good flow if it wasn’t initially on the agenda.

• Lead the discussion. Gently nudge, but this is not your meeting; it’s your direct report’s meeting. They guide the discussion.

Additional reading

Here are some books I recommend on the topic of 1:1s!

• The Coaching Habit (this one REALLY focuses on 1:1s)
• Radical Candor
• High Output Management
• The Effective Manager